On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
