Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
