Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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