Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
