i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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