my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
