My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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