I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
