i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
