Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
