So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's like heaven, but drunker
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
