this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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