Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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