just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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