You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
