My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
