A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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