i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just had sex bonerless
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
