420 ftw
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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