haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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