He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
