So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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