I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
