I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
No subtext here. People are naked.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
