Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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