The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
