you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
