I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
