dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
