I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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