i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
