where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
FUCK WHALES
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
