I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
