Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
