In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
