my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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