After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
