She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
