I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
