i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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