so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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