Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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