He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
