A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i think my cat just said my name.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
