I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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