she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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