is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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