Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
