if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
bring money and cleavage
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
