I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
