Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Randomize
