I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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