I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
