Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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