I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
