Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
