two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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