The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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