Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
