He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my phone needs a breathalizer
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
